


Is it that I don’t belong here, cause I really want to stay

by orphan_account



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: But Steve loves him anyway, Christmas, Comfort/Angst, Domestic Avengers, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt Tony, M/M, Poor Tony, Protective Steve, Tony Angst, Tony Has Issues, Tony Has Trust Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony is a mess, angst angst angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-19
Packaged: 2018-03-16 05:06:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3475553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I was nine and he told me Christmas was for people who were happy, and Starks could never have the time to be happy. He then gave me the beer he was holding and told me to drink it. And he left.” Tony took a deep breath. “I know you are all serious about this team thing, Cap. But I’m not a part of your dream family. Never got the time, as my father says.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Fury wants us to look into this.” Steve said, handing the file titled _‘S.H.I.E.L.D. Confidential: Doombot Operation’_ to Tony. Tony looked at him with a somewhat exasperated face, he wasn’t sleeping again, Steve observed from Tony’s eye bags that screamed _sleep._

Tony stood there looking at him for a while, then to the file, then back to Steve. He seemed like he was reaching for the file, but then he went back to working on his Mark V.

“Just put it on the table there.” He turned his back to Steve which was no surprise, of course. Steve thought they made progress after the battle of New York, which was two years ago he might add, and finally became friends but you could never really understand that with Tony Stark. He was distant, cold and did manage to be oblivious but the most considerate person Steve has ever met.

Tony turned to face Steve. _Oh._

And he was incredibly beautiful.

Steve could tell he’s been working for hours in his lab judging by the amount of sweat he had on his face and his Black Sabbath t-shirt. Sweat was almost dripping from his hair which was longer than usual and it was obvious that he hadn’t shaved in days which made a completely messy, wild and beautiful view. His jawline was more visible than ever, Tony wasn’t eating again, Steve should have noticed. And his eyes. Those eyes that Steve never could get it right when drawing. He hated them. They were the brownest eyes of all but it wasn’t just plain brown, was it? The middle was the lightest shade of brown and it darkened as it got close to sclera. The circle that surrounded the iris was almost black. The problem wasn’t the shading though, it was the way his eyes stripped itself from all the emotions in a moment and another moment that it wore them all. It was the way his pupils dilated and how they darkened when Howard was mentioned. It was when he gave away nothing and everything at the same time with his eyes. It was when he wore a shield to his eyes like the armor to his body, when he didn’t want anybody to know how he actually felt. Steve loved them.

Steve _loved_ Tony.

“Steve? You okay? You look like Barton when he was compromised.  All magic-ed up and all. Are you about to call me master or something? Geez.” Tony grinned.

“Oh. Sorry. I was thinking about something.” Steve shook his head as he tried to hide his embarrassing blush. Yes, Captain America did blush.

Tony looked at him like he was trying to understand something but then turned his attention back to the prototype.  Usual. Steve sighed. “There’s something else you want to tell me, Steve?” Tony asked, not turning back.

“Um. No, why?” Was he that obvious?

“Well, you’re standing right there for a good ten minutes silently. It’s kinda creepy.” Tony said. Oh. Steve didn’t realize it’s been that long. Well, it was that way with Tony.

“Um. Yeah, sorry I disturbed you.” Steve said. “Be sure to check that file out. We need to work on it this week.” he added, using his team leader- demanding voice. Well, that didn’t usually work out for Tony but he seemed to take it well at the moment.

“Yeah. Sure. Okay.” Tony replied, not paying much attention as he slowly caressed the prototype he was working on. And no, Steve was not jealous of a piece of metal.

                                                                          ***

“Where are the others?” Tony asked as they arrived to a secret base in Brooklyn which was occupied by Doom in order to manufacture more of his Doombots to unleash on the world. As if Latveria wasn’t enough.

“Clint and Natasha are on a mission away in Europe. Bruce was working on a project on gamma radiations and Thor is not on earth, he said something about a holiday season on Asgard. We were the only ones available.” Steve explained.

“I’m pretty sure Thor meant fighting with giant ice monsters by holiday.” Tony mumbled as he unlocked the door by using the pulse beams. “And who exactly says I’m available? I have like a dozen parties waiting for me to cherish them with liquor and hot people.” Steve tried not to feel jealous of that hot people Tony mentioned and swallowed it. He was really glad they weren’t at a party right now. He’d rather fight a million Doombots and Doom himself than to watch Tony flirt with other people.

“Yeah, you must be really sorry you got stuck with me.” Steve whispered, there could be Doombots. He could not hide the hurt in his voice, however he tried.

Tony didn’t seem to catch the change in his voice though, because he didn’t reply and lead the way to the factory like place that was filled with the remains of Doombots. Steve held his shield tighter as they went inside. Doom was a whole new level of egoistic. He made robots in his name and used them to suppress _his_ people and others. And he had no real motive besides showing he had power and he was the strongest of all. Well, he wasn’t. They have beaten him like a thousand times but the guy just didn’t stop. Once Reed told Steve that he wished he was nicer to Victor Von Doom in high school, Steve thought he had a point.

 “I’m not getting any readings. God- Richards must have been-“

“Steve!” Tony shouted and a mixture of gold-red jumped in front of Steve as a mechanical sound of clash came. As Tony rolled over to the ground with a scream, Steve saw the Doombot. Shit. Shit. Shit. He threw the shield towards the Doombot’s vital point which resulted in its shut down.

“Tony! Are you okay?” Steve ran up to him.

“Armor, remember? Comes in handy unlike your star spangled tights.” Tony mocked.

Steve was angry. No, scratch that, he was furious.

“Seriously? Are you joking? You could have died, Tony. What the fuck were you thinking throwing yourself in front of me?!” Steve shouted.

“Jesus, calm down, Steve. I have an armor, okay? You weren’t looking and it could have hurt you. I know what I’m doing. I was thinking about the _mission_. We couldn’t afford you being in a hospital bed for god knows how many days.” Tony answered in a flat voice.

“The mission? What if we lost you? You think I could _live_ with that?” Steve said painfully as he lowered his voice. Tony flinched but didn’t insist on the subject, avoiding Steve’s eyes.

“Let’s just go to the Tower, Steve.” Tony said. “Jarvis, send the coordinates to S.H.I.E.L.D. and tell them this place needs to be cleared.”

“Processing, sir.”

“This conversation is not over.” Steve demanded.

“Yeah, whatever.” Tony walked out of the building.

Steve cursed under his breath.

                                                                           ***

 _“Two cracked ribs.”_  Steve repeated for the millionth time as Tony rolled his eyes in agony. He was seated between Natasha and Clint and they looked like they were going to pin him down, in a probably deadly way, if he tried to get up from the couch. Steve was standing in front of him, looking at him worriedly. Steve asked Natasha and Clint to join them in their conversation as well as Bruce and Thor, as a team so Tony would understand the seriousness of the subject.

“I got you the first time, _Cap_.” Steve frowned; Tony knew how he hated when he called him Cap.

“Yes, and the other times you threw yourself in front of me, and the others. You’re not expendable, Tony. How many times do we have to tell you that?” Steve sighed, looking intensely at Tony’s eyes to make him understand but only to be returned with dark brown eyes expressing nothing, no emotion whatsoever.

“Uh…Tony…Steve is right. Yeah, we are a team and all but you can’t decide to just throw yourself in harm’s way every time. We can’t afford to lose you.” Bruce said softly, and Steve thought he saw an emotion in Tony’s eyes, like disappointment, like agony and he did not like it a bit.

“Don’t worry, guys, War Machine will still be here if Iron Man is gone. The team will still be there.” Tony said. Everyone looked at him, wide-eyed. Steve’s heart broke, how could he think they meant losing the Iron Man? Thor looked heartbroken. Natasha was frowning and Clint looked like he was about to punch someone in the face, possibly Tony. Bruce looked disturbed. “I mean, I told Rhodey to activate the programs I’ve been developing if I were to die-“

“Tony-”

“-and I assure you War Machine will join the team in case I get shot or something-“

 _“Tony.”_ Steve said in a harsh voice that left no room for further babbling of Tony’s. Tony immediately broke the eye contact and looked at his hands, slightly touching the arc reactor in his chest.

“You wound us with your words, Anthony.” Thor said in a hurtful voice. Steve felt bad, he felt really bad but he was more furious. He stared angrily at Tony who refused to look back at him, eyes still wandering on his hands.

“I swear, I’m gonna stab you in your sleep, Tony. How can you ignore what we have been through? We are a team. No one in this team is _replaceable.”_ Natasha joined the conversation, dropping her deadly looks and actually sounding soft.

“Answer.” Steve demanded. “Answer or so help me God-”

“Just stop. I’m sorry, okay? I already said I am. But if I had to do that again, I would without a second thought. If we’re team then I’m going to be honest with you. This is not some sacrificial idiocy or a suicidal attempt. This is about strategy and saving the _world._ I am not irreplaceable like you Natasha, or Clint, best assassins in the world. And I’m not even going to mention the other three of you-”

Tony’s words cut by Steve as he lifted him as if he was weightless and threw him to his shoulders.

“Steve, what the hell?!” Tony objected but obviously, Steve didn’t let him go.

“Excuse me, fellow Avengers; we two are going to have a talk.” Steve said almost apologetically but rest of the team understood. After all, he and Tony were best friends. After he got a nod from Natasha, he walked towards Tony’s bedroom since his was upstairs.

“Cap, seriously I’m a grown-ass man who can walk and-”

“Shut up, Tony.” Steve said, still angry. Tony did, like always when Steve used this serious tone. Steve knew Tony hated it.

Steve put him to bed and Tony crossed his arms, frowning. “You’re not my mom.”

“I am glad I’m not. But I am the leader of this team and I’m responsible for things, Tony. I’m responsible of _you_.” Steve said, trying to reason with the other. Tony was not looking him in the eye, he was deliberately doing that, Steve knew.

“Look, I understand you don’t want to lose the Iron Man but he is responsible-“

“Stop doing that.” Steve said harshly.

“What?”

“Stop saying Iron Man. I’m talking about Tony Stark. I’m talking about losing _you_.”

“Well, I am Iron Man.”

“You are also Tony Stark.” Steve sighed, trying not to get too angry. “My friend.”

Something in Tony’s face changed, Steve was not sure what but he could see some form of emotion in his eyes, before completely losing it, again. He looked at Steve like he was unsure about something.

“Steve, look. It’s okay. I’m alive, aren’t I? Don’t worry. I mean, it’s not worth the trouble.”

Steve looked at him with disbelief.

“Steve, _Steve_.” Tony shook his head, probably immediately regretting his confession.

“How could you say that? How could you not see your worth to us?” Steve whispered with a cracked voice.

Tony didn’t answer, he was drinking since they got into the room and Steve was just too tired to convince him not to drink.

“I asked,” Steve took the drink from his hand. “ _How?”_

“Because I do, okay? Why the hell would we have some kind of bond? We are not a fucking family. We are just a team. I am Iron Man to the team and Bruce is Hulk to me, Barton is Hawkeye to me Natasha is Black Widow to me. My team. Not my family.” Tony blurted out. Steve admitted that alcohol had an effect on his confessions but this was Tony talking and Steve knew he couldn’t be feeling this way. Not really.

“And me?” Steve asked.

“What?” Tony gulped.

“What about me? Am I just Captain America to you?”

Tony looked at him, his eyes telling things Steve didn’t understand. He hated it. He hated this moment. He looked at this man, scared and broken. Broken so much that he’d rather die than to let people love him. Steve knew him even Tony never let people close enough to know him.  Tony just sat on the bed for a minute, looking at his hands, processing, thinking, analyzing, like Tony.

“Yes.” He said, with what was meant to be a determined voice but came out as unsure and low.

***

“Yes.” he said, screaming with every cell of his that the answer was no. Steve was the only one who stayed, after all. Tony knew he could not be loved, and he knew exactly why Steve was here right now, because he was Captain America and he had to be all responsible and caring and shit. It was not that he actually cared for Tony, he was just being the star spangled leader he is. Tony waited for the door slamming shot. Tony closed his eyes.

“No.” He replied. Tony looked up, shocked. Steve was standing in front of him, all confident and sure of himself. “No.” He repeated, almost forcing Tony to look him in the eyes, like a fucking eye magnet. He didn’t leave. What was Tony supposed to do with that? They always left. Tony always, always succeeded in driving them away. Steve had to go. He had to leave. This was not right. There were millions of equations in Tony’s head now and damn him if he couldn’t find the fucking variable that stopped Steve from leaving. It was simple adding and subtracting and finding the amount of people that stayed with Tony and he was sure he had none.

“You should leave.” Tony said without thinking or with too much thinking. It wasn’t an order, it was a warning. It was a warning for him so that he would leave before he got too deep in Tony’s shit.  “I- I have work to do. The prototype. Need to work on the prototype.”

“You cannot drive me away.” Steve said confidently like he read Tony’s thoughts. “Never.”

Tony looked at him with wide eyes. Fear. That’s what he was feeling.

“I’ll bring your dinner to your workshop.” Steve said and left.

Tony was left with a feeling of fear that he had no idea what to do with. That night, he dreamed of dying stars and dead fathers, fading colors of red and blue and a pair of blue eyes that shone with disappointment.

***

When Tony was forced to leave the lab at 7 in the morning by some certain super soldier, he was not happy. He almost finished that prototype and okay it was true that he hadn’t sleep for 36 hours but this was nothing new. Now he was being dragged into the kitchen in order to have breakfast by strong arms that he couldn’t escape. Damn the stupid serum.

“Cap. I have things to do. For the next _mission_.” He emphasized on the word to get his attention since he was the team leader and had a thing for plans, projects.

“After the breakfast.”

“Look, I can fight without having breakfast; I have done it like a milli-”

“I’m not _preparing_ you for the fight, Tony. “ Steve sighed. “I am making sure you eat so you won’t die with the lack of food and sleep. Since I cannot make you sleep, I make you eat.”

Tony frowned. He didn’t want to be treated like this. He didn’t want Steve to act like he cared; he didn’t want anybody to act like that. They entered the kitchen, Tony saw the other members sitting on the table, laughing and eating. He felt something warm in his stomach and tried to cast away the feeling. Gathering the team in his tower was a big mistake.

“Anthony! How pleasant of you to join our feast which you Midgardians call breakfast.” Thor looked confused then, which made Tony smile. He was his favorite.

“Hey, buddy.” He replied, sitting on the chair as Steve shoved pancakes in front of him and they smelled really good.

He slowly ate one pancake, not joining the conversation that was apparently about the peanut butter in the refrigerator and who ate all of it. Thor was innocent, as he stated, ‘ The many wonders of Midgard is still unknown to me but the son of Odin shall not eat another man’s butter of the peanuts.’ Clint was still blaming Thor, as expected.

“Man, just admit it, they don’t have this on Asgard, and you love it. God, this happens all the time.” Clint sighed as he finished off his sixtieth pancake and Thor frowned.

“We will just buy another one, don’t worry Thor.” Steve smiled at him, being the perfect being he is. Tony hated him. Well, not really. But Steve made Tony feel like a human being, an actual being who has a soul and he acknowledged him as an individual, as _Tony._ Not Iron Man, not Tony Stark, but _Tony._ Tony who was a total disaster, a mess, not a fucking hero. Tony who was fucked up in all ways, Tony who wasn’t even acknowledged by his own father. Yet, he knew better. Steve did these things to everyone around him because he was Steve. That’s who he was. He had to keep the team together so he had to know them, had to earn their respect. Well, even Pepper always said the otherwise; Tony was actually genius enough to know that Captain America didn’t necessarily care about him.

Tony watched him smile fondly around the table with a warm expression. Natasha was trying to convince Clint to talk to Phil about something, Tony was sure he just heard ‘cellist was just a rebound’ and Clint looked pretty upset. Tony was not going to ask. Thor was poking at his pancake with a confused expression and mumbling things, maybe he was praising the pancake. Bruce was just eating his pancake but looked distracted, Tony was sure he was just finding a new element in his head right now. He admired the man. And the other man, also.

He started to get the warm feeling again, which made him dizzy and uncomfortable. He never got warm feelings, until Avengers came into his life. It was unsettling and he was sure he didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve a fucking family. He was trying to come up with and excuse to leave the kitchen and lock himself up in his workshop, where it was familiar and comforting and there was Dummy and his robots and-

“So,” Natasha said. “When are we decorating?”

“Um. What?” Tony blinked.

“Christmas is coming.” She said as if it was nothing.

“We will…” Tony gulped. “Celebrate it?”

“Tony, of course we will. When did you not?” Clint said, laughing but stopped when he saw the expression on Tony’s face.

“Tony,” Steve called, horrified.

“Tony, you never-?”

“No.” Tony simply said, getting up from the chair. “And I plan to continue not to.”

 _“Tony-“_ Steve said as Tony got into the elevator. Tony tried to be calm. He really did. But Christmas? No way. It was a month away. He dialed Pepper.

“Can you arrange the meeting in Cuba for the next month?” He directly asked, with a voice that he hoped was desperate enough.

“You mean Christmas?” Pepper said, more like a statement than a question. “Tony, don’t you think you should-”

“I really don’t. Pepper, I would just ruin their Christmas anyway; they don’t really want me here. I mean, I will get drunk and kill the spirit or whatever,” he said, trying to convince her but actually meaning what he said.

“Okay.” Pepper sighed. She knew Tony better than anyone so she probably knew it was impossible to make him change his mind about things. “Done.”

“Thank you, Pep, you are the best.” She really was.

“I know, Tony. See you later,” she said before hanging up.

Tony sighed with relief. He would not be here on Christmas, that was good, that was okay. He hated Christmas. He went into the workshop, immediately got greeted by Dummy who was trying to give him a cup filled with water but it was strangely blurry.

“Thanks, bud,” Tony said, putting the cup on the table and patting Dummy.

 Tony was not sure what time it was but he was nearly done with the prototype when Jarvis informed him that ‘Captain Rogers’ was waiting to enter the shop. Uh. Tony really didn’t want to deal with this right now.

“Tell him I’m busy.”

“I did, sir, I’m sorry to inform you that he insists.”

“Captain fucking America.” He cursed under his breath. “Let him in.”

He turned his back to the door and pretended to be working, as if he could actually get his mind together when Steve was around. What? Whatever.

“Hi.” He heard Steve’s voice and didn’t reply. He sensed Steve standing right behind him. He tensed.

“Don’t you think we should talk?” Steve sounded hesitant.

Tony turned to face him with an annoyed expression. “Why would we exactly?”

“About Howard. About Christmas.” Wow, that was quick. They never talked about Howard. Tony would never mention his name. Especially to Steve.

“How about no.” Tony said. “I need to work-”

“Tony, don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“You always say you need to work when you want to avoid me.” He said with a hurtful voice. “I don’t want you to avoid me.”

“I don’t avoid you, Steve, I am a busy man. I really am. Look at this-“ He pointed at the prototype which was clearly finished and waved his hand. “thing I’m working on.”

Steve frowned and he crossed his arms. That was never good.

“I am not a psychologically damaged kid, Cap, you can’t fix me. I just don’t do Christmas. It’s not a tragic thing; it is just the way I live.”

Steve was still standing in the same position, only his frown was even more visible now.

“Look, okay. Howard never was a father kind of guy, you know that. He-he always forgot holidays and birthdays and all kinds of special shit. I mean, not that I’m saying they were special but still, I was a kid. So we never got to celebrate Christmas. It is that simple. Nothing to worry about, I’m just not used to it.” Tony babbled. There was truth to what he was saying but they were just to distract Steve. The truth was much more than that.

“I’m not buying this, Tony.” How come Steve always knew when Tony lied? That was terrible. “But I’m not going to force you, tell me whenever you want to tell me.” _Never._

“Yeah, okay.”

“But we will do this, okay? Christmas, I mean.” Tony hesitated. He probably should tell him he won’t be here but knowing Steve, he would probably try to stop Tony. He would just go without telling the team the night before Christmas.

“Sure, yes.”

 Steve squinted, but nodded.

“I will leave you to your…” Steve frowned at the prototype. “ _Work.”_ Tony smiled at the sarcasm.

***

Tony didn’t want to wake up. The ringing phone was not helping that. He cursed before answering it.

“What?” He whined.

“Where are you?” Pepper sounded extremely angry, not unusual. “I’ve got the head of three companies here waiting for you to meet them. You promised, Tony. You promised you would come.” She sounded really fed up and Tony didn’t like that. He didn’t like to upset Pepper, it never had good outcomes.

“Can’t you just wave them off?” Well, he just had to push his luck.

 _“Tony.”_ She sighed. “Get the fuck here now.” Pepper didn’t usually curse, it made Tony very uncomfortable, unusual things usually did.

“Okay, okay.” He hung up, feeling like a total mess. And probably looking like one.

He was dressed and ready to go out to the world in ten minutes.

He made his way to downstairs and saw Steve. Well, of course. The perfect soldier was already dressed and clean shaved 7 in the morning. He was sitting and he looked like he was waiting for something and he probably didn’t have much sleep, judging by the tired expression on his handsome face. Um, yeah.

“Hey, Cap.” Tony was not sure why he called calling him Cap these days, he knew Steve hated when he called him that. He was okay with others calling him Cap, it was weird.  Maybe it was because they were really close friends? Were they? Whatever.

“Hi, Tony.” He looked up and smiled, immediately standing up. “I made break-”

“I got a meeting, Pepper’s gonna kill me, gotta go. See you.” Tony rushed, knowing very well he would prefer to have breakfast with Steve rather than to go to a fucking meeting with idiot money sucking motherfuckers. Well, he was one of them but whatever.

Steve opened his mouth to say something but Tony was already out.

Tony was really glad for the cold weather that hit him as he left the Tower, he was in for days and he was all confused because of this team bonding thing and Christmas and Steve being all perfect- God, he really hated the way he so did not hate this. But he wouldn’t let himself be fooled. He knew better, as pathetic as it sounds, he really knew that he was not capable of having decent relationships and a fucking family. Okay, he maybe long denied his connection to the team, he actually did love them but that was the exact reason why he couldn’t let them see. Then it would become too real, and real things often had the fortune of ending. Real was something to be corrupted. If he got too involved with the team, if he let them show he cared, then it had the eighty nine percent chance of going bad. Tony calculated. So he would be a jerk, whatever. He was used to be seen as one.

            He tried to cast away the thoughts as he entered the quarters, immediately being led by some guy who was probably hired by Pepper to push Tony around or something judging by the fact that he almost manhandled Tony while directing him into the meeting room.

“Okay, um, whatever your name is, buy me dinner first.” He winked at him as he entered the room, facing with a table of twelve people and they definitely heard Tony say that. Well.

“Well, so about those funding issues to the army-”

Pepper shot him a look that looked like shut up.

Tony mouthed a _what_ at her. All he got back was a tired look from her. Finally she clued him in the topic that was apparently about a charity issue. Well, he couldn’t be held responsible all of the business his company was involved, he had Pepper for that.

He sat in the corner, drinking….water while Pepper talked and he made some sounds of approval and he nodded at things, Pepper was probably right, like all the time. Rest of the meeting passed as expected. Everyone was pleased and the arrangements were made and all that.

After other companies left, he walked to Pepper and begged. “Can I please go back to my lovely lab now? Please?” He made puppy eyes, like that would work with Pepper.

“Tony, are you sure about going abroad during Christmas?” Ah, Tony should have seen that one coming.

“Yes.” He said with a serious voice that he didn’t usually use with Pepper.

“You know Steve will not let you, right?”

“Don’t you dare tell him.”

“Tony, you can’t just run away without letting them know you will not be there!” Pepper shot him a disapproving look. He really hated that look.

“Yes I can.” Pepper sighed. “Look, Pep, Steve would die before he’d let me go. He’s all obsessed with this team bonding thing and being a part of the team and all.”

“Or he just wants to spend his Christmas with his _friends_.” Tony just looked at her. She sighed again. “That includes you, Tony.”

“Oh. Right. _Friends._ ” He grimaced. Pepper shook her head.

“Okay, Tony. Whatever you do, just try not to hurt him. He really…values your friendship.” Pepper said.

“He will not get hurt, Pepper. I’m his team mate, not his fucking lover.” Tony stopped there, processing what he had said.

“Whatever you say.”

***

So, it was 15th of December. Ten days until Christmas. Tony was leaving for Cuba today. So it would look like he didn’t intentionally avoid Christmas, he just had work to take care of. He knew Steve wouldn’t buy it but he had no other choice. To avoid talking to Steve during those days, he made arrangements with Pepper and she would convince them that Tony wasn’t deliberately picking up his phone; he was really busy and had no time and all. Okay, maybe Tony was feeling a little guilty for doing all these things and maybe already regretting a little but he genuinely thought, _knew_ , that he couldn’t handle it.

He checked all of his stuff which he would take with him on his trip and he picked up his photo with Steve which was taken after the battle with Galactus, all bloody and dirty but still smiling. He really loved that photo and it was the only one that was not just in his phone, it was something solid in his hands and he had no idea why but he put in one of the bags he would take to Cuba.

He went down to breakfast; he decided at least he could do that since he’d abandon them without letting them know. Not that they actually cared.

“Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy???” Clint hummed as Tony sat on the chair; he shot him a disapproving look.

“It’s really creepy when you sing something other than cheesy pop songs.” Tony winked at him which shut him up.

“Come on, am I the only one that thinks Friday is a good song?” Clint protested.

“Yes.” Natasha said. Then she turned to Tony. “What do we owe the pleasure?” she asked sarcastically.

“Can’t a guy have a breakfast with his teammates?” Tony said, faking a smile.

Natasha made an approving sound and continued eating.

Tony noticed Steve was staring at him and he avoided his eyes on purpose. Okay, maybe he was feeling guilty especially towards him.

After finishing off, Tony headed towards the common area, jumping on a couch and suddenly realizing.

“What. Is. That.” He said in shock.

“What’s what?” Steve asked, alarmed.

“That thing.” He pointed.

“It is a tree of Christmas, Anthony. I hear it is a tradition on Midgard.” Thor looked confused.

“I can see that. Why is it in here?” Tony tried again.

“Um.” Bruce said. “Because Christmas is coming?”

Tony sighed. “Right.” So on with the family thing. A fucking tree. And Clint was decorating it now. And then others joined him.

“Anthony, you should join us.” Thor smiled at him.

Tony processed that for a moment, since he will be going to Cuba tonight, he could give them that. Right? Right.

“Okay.” He walked to them under Steve’s unbelieving eyes. He probably knew something was up. He always knew.

He actually liked decorating the tree. He hated that.

After a while, he slowly retreated to his room hoping nobody would notice. He sat on his bad, sipping on the drink in his hand, wondering how fucked up he was to hurt the ones he loved, wondering why he couldn’t believe in anything, anything but this fucking armor he covered himself with. And he wasn’t talking about his suit.

Then he heard the knocking on his door.

“Captain Rogers, sir.” Jarvis said. Tony covered his face with his hand and shook his head to come to his senses.

“Tell him I’m out.”

“He insists.”

Tony sighed. He couldn’t let him in, there were bags. So he opened the door slightly and stepped out.

“Yes?” He asked, trying to stand straight and smiling.

“You stink of alcohol.” Steve stated. Tony stayed silent.

Then, Steve hugged Tony. He actually hugged him. That scared the shit out of Tony, why was he hugging Tony? He stood there frozen as Steve hugged him even tighter. That kind of intimacy always resulted in Tony doing something stupid. Always. And this was no different. He was so warm, so sincere and he smelled really nice and it was the best thing to be in his arms but he didn’t even deserve that. He didn’t deserve Steve.

Tony started crying. First it was a sob, and then he broke down. He almost felt weightless in Steve’s arms as Steve tightened his grip, refusing to let go. Tony admitted the effect of alcohol in his crying, he would never cry in front of Steve but he couldn’t help it.

“I can’t, Steve.” He blurted, not exactly sure what he was referring to. “I just can’t.”

“I know.”

***

 “I’m sorry.”

They were in Steve’s room, since Tony wouldn’t let them in his. “It’s okay.” Steve said in a soothing voice. It hurt to see Tony like this, Steve never saw him crying and he did not expect that. H expected some kind of reaction, of course, after his unusual behavior this morning and decorating the tree and all. Steve knew something was up, but couldn’t name it.  So he just hugged him and let him cry and now they were sitting on Steve’s bed.

“It’s my father.” Steve looked up in surprise. Tony never talked about Howard. Howard was a terrible father, Steve got that part. And he also knew Tony’s hate towards Christmas was probably about him. He hated Howard for that.

“He- Okay, he sucked as a father. He wasn’t even trying. Christmas was always like hell in our home, if you call that a home. Mother would always be away, all the time; I guess she couldn’t stand him. I was there, waiting for him to get home so we could, maybe, have a Christmas dinner together. We never did. There was one time, I remember that he got home, it was Christmas and I was nine. I made our servants prepare a dinner, a very good one, and I even managed to get a Christmas tree on my own. I was going to have a good time; I waited for him for hours. And when he finally came home, he was so drunk that he couldn’t walk straight. Still, I went near him and gave him my present. He patted my head and opened it. It was a photo of you, and him on the experiment day. You were just out of the machine and Howard looked proud. I knew he lost that photo years ago, and I had gone through all of the old boxes to find it. When he saw the picture, he looked me in the eye, furious. I did not understand why he was angry but it was obvious he missed you. I knew that, that was why I gave it to him but he threw it into the box then gave it to one of the servants. He didn’t say a word and looked at the tree with disapproving eyes. He headed for his room. I called behind his back; I said what about Christmas dinner. He slowly turned, came near me and leaned, held my arms really tight and told me to man up. I was nine and he told me Christmas was for people who were happy, and Starks could never have the time to be happy. He then gave me the beer he was holding and told me to drink it. And he left.” Tony took deep breath. “I know you are all serious about this team thing, Cap. But I’m not a part of your dream family. Never got the time, as my father says.”

Steve realized he might be crying, because he would never imagine Howard could be like that. How could he hurt Tony like that? And he gave him his first drink?

Steve opened his mouth to say something, anything that would make Tony better but Tony stood up. “Goodbye, Cap.” He left the room.

Steve, from that moment, made it  his mission to make Tony believe that they loved him. That _he_ loved him.

\-----

But of course, when did things go as planned? That night, he went down to Tony’s lab in order to inform him that this was movie night; he saw that lab was empty.

“Jarvis?” He asked.

“He is in abroad for a meeting, sir.” Jarvis replied.

“What?” Why didn’t he know of this? “Where?”

“I am afraid I cannot tell you, sir.”

“Why not?”

“Mr. Stark has asked me not to inform anyone of his location, apparently it is highly classified.”

Steve gritted his teeth, trying not to lose his temper and he dialed Pepper. She would know of this.

“Steve.” Pepper said, sounding a lot like he expected this call.

“Hi, Virginia. Would you happen to know where the hell Tony is?” Steve asked, rather calmly. He actually regretted speaking like this to a woman but he was told it was sexist to feel that way, so.

“He is abroad for a business meeting.” She said flatly. “It is classified.” She added before giving him a chance to ask the location.

“Pepper-”

“Steve, look, I’d like to tell you. I really would. But you know how Tony is and I think you can guess that he won’t be there for some time.” Pepper sighed.

Unfortunately Steve did know. That didn’t mean he had to like it.  After hanging up, Steve decided that he would give Tony time. It wasn’t his place to tell him what to do. There were ten days till Christmas. Steve was almost sure Tony would not come to New York in Christmas, not after what he told him today. He sighed. He really didn’t want to spend the Christmas without him. Since the ice, it was one of the few times of the year that he felt he was home. And it wasn’t home without Tony. Steve didn’t realize it in the first two Christmases they have spent together that Tony hated it because they weren’t that close yet and Tony seemed to be always away or busy in Christmas.

But now they were best friends, Steve would like to think, and he knew why Tony hated Christmas. He wanted nothing more than to fix it, fix all that, make Tony forget that awful night and many other nights with Howard. He didn’t want to believe Howard could be someone like this, but he apparently was. His death changed Howard. He knew feeling guilty for this was really silly, but he couldn’t help it. He hated that Tony felt that way.

He loved him, with all his complexness and messiness but he did not want him to be broken. And he was. He was, and Steve didn’t know what to do to fix him. He just knew he couldn’t force Tony to be a part of something he hated.  He didn’t want him to be alone for ten days, also. But what he could do? Force him to come back? Obviously not.

When he told the others that Tony was away, they did not seem surprised but Steve could see that they were a bit down by his leaving. Tony would never believe that, of course. After they finished watching the movie, Steve had no idea what it was since he didn’t watch it because he was thinking about Tony, they sat there silently.

“So are we going to let him be alone for fucking Christmas?” Clint pointed at the elephant in the room.

Other members looked at Steve like they expected him to say something.

“I will think of something when the time comes. We still have ten days, if he wants to be alone for a time, he will have that.” Steve said with determination and even Clint didn’t oppose to this. 

Rest of the night was silent and cold, if only Tony were there to crack a joke and lighten the mood but that was not gonna happen. Unless Steve did something about it. He felt like everybody expected him to do something, like he was the only one capable. Well, maybe he was.  But he would wait.

***

8 days later

“You want another shot of that?” The guy, whatever his name was, shouted in Tony’s ear. It was really loud and Tony was barely capable of standing, so he didn’t complain when the guy wrapped his arms around his waist, hoisting him up. Tony was used to that and he really couldn’t think at the moment, and it wasn’t like he didn’t do this before. Partying, getting high and drunk, waking up in beds and not remembering the night. And probably he would be in the same condition tomorrow.

“Yeah.” He replied, not even realizing the content of the drink he was handed. Tony actually didn’t remember a time he was more drunk and that was not an exaggeration because Tony Stark was always drunk. And it’s not like people would recognize him in here, it was fucking Cuba and a bar where people didn’t even remember their names.

“Do you want to get a room?” Tony didn’t want to get a room. Not like he could say no in this position. He mumbled something like “no” which came out like nonsense blabbering so the guy probably thought it was a yes. Tony felt like shit and Tony wanted to go home. He needed to talk to Steve about things and tell him he was sorry he was a fuck up and that he didn’t deserve him.

The guy started dragging Tony somewhere and Tony could fight it, he was a fucking superhero, well with his suit, but he didn’t even bother to do that. He didn’t even care. All he could think about was the disappointed face of Captain fucking America. Steve. He hated himself. He hated that he was a fucking scared child that run away from home. He deserved everything that happened to him.

He was probably drugged or something, he didn’t realize what was happening around him. He was the smartest guy on the planet and he was so messed up that he didn’t know anything at the moment, only that he was pinned to a wall. He wanted to tell the guy to stop, that he didn’t want anything to do with him, that he was Tony fucking Stark but somehow words would come out. Tony almost laughed at the funniness of the situation.

 

Then suddenly he was on the floor, not being held anymore. Oh, come on. It was cold here on ground. He saw two blurry figures ahead of him. Fighting? More like one beating the other one or something. He decided he didn’t care so he just let himself drift into unconsciousness.

When he was conscious again, he was being carried away by someone who smelled awfully familiar that it made Tony’s insides hurt. Home. Steve. _Steve._

 _“_ S’veee, is that you?” He mumbled, actually managing to sound like he was communicating. Steve didn’t answer.

“C’mon, wh’re you h’re?” He was confused, why would Steve be here? In Cuba? During Christmas Eve (or the day before that or something)? He had better things to do that look after the shitty mess that was Tony.

“You’re so n’ce.” Tony yawned. “I’d almost b’lieve .” And with that, Tony closed his eyes.

***

“Morning.” A harsh voice said as Tony opened his eyes to an incredibly lighted room , and Tony wasn’t ready for this.

“Stop shouting.” He took his head in his hands, everything hurt and nothing was good.       He didn’t even remember last night and his head was about to explode, everything was too much. He looked up and saw a pair of baby blue eyes staring down at him disapprovingly. Well, not unusual. “What?” he asked, he must have done something really stupid last night.

Steve just kept staring at him, it was obvious he was holding back his anger and Tony was grateful for that, not many people could to that around him, he made sure of that. But well, this was Captain America.

“Let me guess, you don’t remember last night.”

“Ten points to Gryffindor. “ Tony said, it was still weird that Steve actually understood references now. Then Tony widened his eyes. “Oh my god, did we- did I?”

“Did we what?” Steve asked, confused. Tony really hoped he was wrong but if he fucking slept with Captain fucking America last night- oh. He was dressed. He released a breath, relieving.

“Good. So I didn’t take advantage of you last night?” Tony murmured, feeling a little disappointed if he must admit.

“I- what?” Steve blushed because of course he did. He looked down at his hands and met Tony’s eyes again. “You were the drunken one.” He stated.

“Yeah but I’m Tony Stark. You might have missed the playboy part in genius billionaire-“

“Shut up, Tony.” Steve sighed, a little softer but still angry, or disappointed. Tony was sure he deserved both of that.

“So what’d I do?” Tony asked, and then he realized they were in a hotel room and they it occurred to him. Just as Steve opened his mouth, he cut in. “We’re in Cuba. _You_ are in Cuba. How are you even in Cuba. I made sure no one would find out.”

“I am Captain America. You might have missed the first avenger part. I can do a lot of things if I want to.”

“But why?” Tony had no idea why Steve would do this.

“Why, Tony?” Steve looked hurt. “Really, you ask me _why_?” Tony looked at him with a confused expression. “Because I-“ he stopped, drawing a breath. “Because you are my best friend and I was worried.” He looked intently at Tony. “ And it’s Christmas.”

“I thought I was clear when I said-”

“Dammit Tony. Just because you don’t want to spend the Christmas with me doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend it with you. I’ve got nobody else.” This stopped Tony. He was a selfish, self-absorbed bastard. He only thought about his feelings and never figured how Steve could feel about Christmas. Steve only had the Avengers as his friends and just because Tony was an idiot who didn’t have any self-worth whatsoever, he was ruining Steve’s Christmas.

“Steve, I’m sorry.” He said. “You’re right. I was a selfish dick.”

_“Tony.”_

“I know, okay? Nobody knows that better than me. I don’t deserve your concern, Steve- even if it’s for the team. I-” Tony started, stopping and taking a breath. “I am sorry for not being an asset to the team, you heard Fury.” He smiled sadly. “Yes to Iron Man, No to Tony Stark.  I don’t think about the team and I’m always selfish.” He confessed, looking down. “Well, that didn’t sound as pathetic in my head.” He finally huffed out a laugh, still not meeting Steve’s eyes.

“You really don’t realize, do you?” Steve asked voice harsh and almost agonized. Tony looked up, meeting his squinted eyes.

“That I’m a fuck-up? I actually do- Steve, but it’s kind of you to remind me.” Tony grinned, trying to change the mood.

“Stop.” He hissed and Tony couldn’t help but flinch at that. He quickly looked down. It was still the same, wasn’t it? Like his father. When someone was angry or disappointed with him, he would always look down and fiddle with his hands. It was a habit of his. He learned to cover that up over the years to the people who didn’t know him very well, he would make an arrogant and egoistic comment and ignore them but this was _Steve._ That would never work with Steve. He knew him, inside and out and Tony hated that, hated the fact that Steve seemed to care about him yet Tony didn’t even consider Steve didn’t just see him as Iron Man but Tony, his friend. He hated how he trusted Steve with everything but wasn’t able to say that to him, yet he treated him like shit when he was the person he loved the most.

Yes, that was a revelation he had a few days ago. He was in love with Captain fucking America. How fantastic.

“Stop thinking, Tony.” Steve sighed. Tony could say from his gritted teeth and clenched jaw that he was still pissed. “You-” Steve started, but stopped. He closed his eyes and opened them. “You don’t know- you never know your worth. You never realize how valuable you are to us. To _me_. You always imply we only care for your suit. You are the suit, Tony. You are Iron Man. Tony Stark and Iron Man are the same person. It is Iron Man because you are in the suit. I don’t give a fuck about some flying suit. I give a damn about you, only you. All this time- all this time I though the suit was your armor but it is not. It is your words and expressions, Tony. They are your real armor. You try to distance yourself from us because you don’t believe we care, I know that. I hate that. I hate it. There were times I thought you hated me and didn’t want me around but it was not that. You say you are selfish and I say that is bullshit. You are the most selfless person I have ever known. It’s almost stupid how sacrificial you are. You jump in front of bombs and you attack terrorists without your suit and it pisses me off how ready you are to die for us. Just- it fears me to death that something bad will happen to you and I won’t be there to stop it.”

Tony looked up, stopped fiddling with his hands and really looked into Steve’s eyes, trying to figure him out. He wanted to believe him so badly it hurt. And he did. He did somehow believe him, if not temporarily. He knew he didn’t deserve it for sure but he believed it. This was Steve, how could he not believe that heart felt speech? He didn’t want to believe it, it was unfair that Steve thought these things because Tony was sure he was not the person Steve just talked about but somehow he was. “You are always there.” He finally mumbled, looking down. “You are always there, Steve. And I have no fucking idea why.” He admitted, trying hard not to sob. “Nobody was ever there for me.”

And here it was again, Steve’s arms wrapping around him and well, who was Tony to pull away from the warm embrace of Captain America? Fortunately, he was not drunk enough to cry in his arms as he did the last time. He almost didn’t want to let him go when he pulled back, but that would just be awkward. There was nothing better and sincere than Captain America hugs.

Then he heard the gunshots. “Well, shit.” He cursed.

“I’m starting to think you somehow gather evil around you.” Steve stated, but alarmingly standing up. “Suit up.”

“Um.” Tony scratched the back of his head. “I didn’t bring it with me.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I- I kinda have all of them under construction and the last one was damaged when we were in Doom’s base-”

 _“Tony.”_  Steve cut him. “How can you do something this stupid, you have like billions of suits! Why didn’t you just bring one?” The gunshots were getting closer, which only convinced Tony that they were coming for them.

“Uh. I’m sorry. I thought it would not be a problem. We’re in fucking Cuba. I just- needed some time alone without being Iron Man.” He finally admitted.

Steve sighed. “Can’t you inform Jarvis? Can’t he do something?”

“I-um- blocked him also, for a few days.”

“Oh, Tony.” Steve placed himself in front of him as door was broken and gun men got into the room.

“Wait. You got to be kidding me. HYDRA?” Tony mocked, chuckling. “I’m _sorry_ , are you for fucking real?” Steve grinned down at him, whispering a ‘shut up.’

HYDRA goons looked at each other, confused and hesitating. They were still holding onto their guns, but loosely.

After ten minutes of fighting, well more like kicking some HYDRA ass, they were out of the building.

“Well that was easy.” Tony shrugged.

“You think?” Steve said. “You fought with terrorists. Without your suit on. Again.”

“Oh come on. You trained me, remember? What’s the meaning of knowing hand-to-hand combat if you don’t do it with your _body_? You underestimate me, Rogers.”

He sighed. “You’re right.” Tony was shocked Steve didn’t insist on the subject. “That’s not underestimating though, I just….feel protective of you.”

“Oh, okay, well. Why?” He tried too hard not to babble.

“It’s just that I’ve lost far too many people I cared about. I don’t want to lose you too.” Steve looked at him intently which made Tony worried. Tony didn’t want to disappoint Steve, Steve who cared about him and Steve who lost people and Tony didn’t want to make him sad because of his own recklessness.

“You won’t.” Tony said, trying to sound as sure as he could. Steve smiled warmly. “Let’s go home.” Tony said without thinking.

“Tony- you don’t have to. I just came here to spend the Christmas with you, not to drag you into New York. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“Well, you reminded me that I actually had a family, Steve. You. You are my family, and others. I will never think that I deserve you whatsoever but now I know I have you.Besides Clint would have my head if I wasn’t home for Christfuckingmas.”

“You do swear a lot for a family guy.” Steve grinned.

***

They were standing in front of the Tower, Tony was sure Avengers were having a wonderful Christmas, actually. Maybe they would be down because Steve wasn’t there but Tony didn’t think they would feel the same way about him, he would only ruin happy things. He was-

“Tony, you are shaking.” Steve said, worried.

“It’s okay. I’m just- nervous.”

Steve nodded as they got in, taking the elevator upstairs.

 _“Welcome back, sirs.”_ Jarvis said.

“Thanks, Jarvis.” Steve said, looking up. He still had the need to look somewhere when he was talking to Jarvis.

“Missed you too, buddy.” Tony smiled.

They entered the common room, only to find four people sitting on the couches, no fun at all. No parties, or watching shows, or sparring. Just four of them sitting and pouting. They didn’t even realize them entering. _Natasha_ didn’t even realize them. Clint and Bruce was on the big couch, Clint playing with an arrow head Tony built for him a year ago and Bruce holding a book upside down. Natasha’s legs were on the table in front of her, she was in her pajamas, watching a muted TV with _Supernanny_ on. With Coulson on her side who looked like his usual self. Thor was holding his cape and making weird head scarfs with it, puffing.

Tony looked at Steve, who made a ‘told you so’ face.

“I brought him!” Steve exclaimed, making everyone jump from their seats.

“I’m gonna kill you, Stark.” Clint said, rushing towards him and Tony thought he was really going to hurt him for a second before being embraced by two strong arms.

“Oh, okay. Didn’t know you loved me that much, Barton.” He smirked, getting a slap on the neck by Natasha.

“Don’t leave like that ever again. Or I will murder you with my pinky finger.” And she could. She _would._

 

“Well, I guess that’s how assassins let you know they have missed you.” Tony said.

“I am glad you have decided to be present in this great time of celebration here on Midgard, Anthony, my friend! I am most happy!” Thor boomed and gave him a bone crushing hug. That actually hurt.

“Uh, yeah, thanks Thor.” He muttered.

Bruce approached slowly, a fond smile on his lips. “Welcome back, Tony.”

“It’s not like I was gone for months guys, what’s with the faces?” Tony chuckled, surprised that they missed him that much.

“We didn’t want to spend the Christmas without you. We don’t exactly have a family if you’ve noticed, Tony, all of us. We’re all we’ve got. You’re a part of this family; it’s not complete without you.” Bruce said, with all the honesty in his eyes and Tony could not think of a reason he deserved to be a part of this te-family.

“Well, I’m here now.” Tony smiled. “Are we giving the presents or what?”

“But you said-”

“I might not be a Christmas fan but I always have a plan for everything. I do have presents for you that I prepared beforehand.” Tony stated, slightly blushing that he had confessed this because he didn’t think of giving them presents even though he had spent hours creating them.

Steve was now looking him with an expression he couldn’t figure out. It was very intense and it made Tony blush even more and Tony Stark did not blush.

Clint gave him an action figure of Iron Man and Hawkeye fighting with doombots, Natasha gave him a Fury figure which talked when you touched his patched eye and said things like “Come to the debriefing room now, Stark.” Or “I’ve got my eye on you, Stark” which was scary enough. Bruce gave him an advanced book on mechanics, which told the works of geniuses, Tony himself was included in the book, of course.

“Tony?” Steve said behind him.

Talk about excitement.

“Yeah?”

“Can you come over here? I want to give my present in private.”

“Oh, okay.”

They went into the other room; Steve handed him the present which looked like a painting, maybe? He tore the package and… yes, it was a painting indeed.

It was a painting of Tony. Signed. By Steve.

Okay, Tony knew Steve liked to draw. He knew Steve went to art school and he was a good artist but this… this was something different. It was passionate, it was wild and it was messy. It was freaking Picture of Dorian Gray with its lines and shadowing and… love in it.

It was Tony in his workshop, sleeping, sprawling on the table, hands touching the Iron Man helmet lying on the ground and with DUMM-E poking on his shoulder. His eyes were half-close, eyelashes shadowing his face. He was in his wifebeater, his abdomen was visible, and it was a very detailed and emotional picture. It was not just a random and successful painting of him; it was made by someone who knew him, by someone who loved him. Steve loved him. Well, as a friend. This picture made him believe that at first look. It had the usual messiness of his workshop and himself as well, with his greasy and all over the place hair and clothes with motor oil stains on it. He even drew the bunch of empty coffee cups he had in a corner of the workshop and a half-eaten sandwich. His lips were parted and captured very well. When he finally, looked up from the picture, he had actual tears in his eyes.

“Steve…I…”

“What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?” Steve had a worried look on his face and Tony loved him all the more for it.

“No-no. This is the best present I have ever got.” He looked down again, trying to stop the tears. He cried a lot around Steve lately. “The best.” He repeated _. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me._

Then, he hugged Steve. Steve was frozen in his arms for a second before responding to the hug. It was normal since Tony never showed him any kind of intimate affection before, psychical or spiritual. “Thank you, Steve.”

***

Steve was caressing the surface of his first ever shield with affection. Tony gave it to him as a Christmas present and Steve thought this was a really thoughtful thing to do because it reminded of him his past and his long lost loved ones. Peggy, Bucky, Howard… Well, the Howard he knew anyway. It was late at night, around 4 am and Steve was unable to sleep. He usually didn’t get much of a sleep but there was something particular that kept him up that night. It was the fact that Tony was not home. He was not in the tower and Steve was worried he was out drinking again, and it was because of him that Tony had to go through Christmas when he hated it.

“Jarvis?”

_“I am sorry, Captain Rogers. I am not authorized to give Mr. Stark’s location.”_

Steve sighed. “Is he okay?”

_“He is in no danger.”_

“Yeah but is he _okay_?”

The AI stayed silent as a response and Steve got his answer.  He didn’t have a choice; he’d wait till Tony got back. Steve knew Tony needed some alone time so he wouldn’t go follow him and drag him home this time, but he would wait.

After a very long two hours of waiting, Steve heard noises from the direction of Tony’s room and rushed to the door.  Tony was in front of his door and he appeared to be in a good condition, he did not look drunk or miserable as Steve expected.

“Tony.” Steve called behind him.

Tony jumped and turned to face him.” Jesus, Cap, you scared me. What are you doing up at this hour?” Well, he looked and sounded pretty normal.”

“Um. I. I was going out for running.”

“You’re in your pajamas.”

“I just woke up.”

“Okay. Have fun. See you around.” He turned to go into his room.

“Hey, where were you?” Steve asked.

“I was out for fresh air, I couldn’t sleep and I needed new equipment for work, I did a little search.” Tony explained, and he looked like he was telling the truth. “You look like someone kicked your puppy, Steve. What’s up?”

“Uh, I was just- worried about you.”

“I thought you just woke up.” Tony smirked.

“Well… more like didn’t sleep.”

Tony was shocked for a moment. “Don’t worry, Steve. I am okay. Well, I am better at least.” He smiled honestly.

“I love you.”

Tony’s smile faltered. Shit, what. What.

“What?” Tony asked.

“I love you.”

“No you don’t.”

“I do.”

“Stop being ridiculous Steve, are you drunk?” Tony looked a little worried now, like Steve had lost his mind. Steve actually didn’t plan to do this _now_ , but seeing Tony like that, it just came out.

“No. I’m in love with you.”

“You aren’t.”

“Yeah I am.”

“Stop.”

“No.”

“Steve, did you lose a bet? Is Clint making you do this? I know he is, where is that little bastard I’m gonna-”

“Tony.” Steve looked at him with an exasperated expression. “I love you.”

“It’s too late for this shit.” Tony threw his hands in the air and locked his door behind him. Steve was left with a slight smile on his lips, he did it. He confessed it. Finally. Well, he was a bit disappointed he didn’t get a positive reply from Tony but he didn’t expect one. He really wished he didn’t just ruin their relationship though. Steve knew Tony wouldn’t believe him, wouldn’t believe somebody was actually unconditionally in love with him. But he would make him believe. He would. He had no idea how did he manage to say that to Tony, well he thought about telling him soon but he never thought he would just blurt it out like that. He wasn’t sure if he regretted it or not but he was left with a heavy feeling in his chest and the fear he had done something wrong or if his confession was too rushed, if it hadn’t come out as serious as he intended it to be. Well, it was too late to think about that now. He realized he couldn’t sleep after that so he decided to go for a run as he told Tony.

As the fresh air hit him, Steve felt better that before. He always loved running, well after the serum. Before that he barely took two steps without having to stop. Running gave him a way out of all that he’s been through, it felt like he was catching up with the future and letting go of the past. The more he ran, the more he felt he was not missing things, like he was a part of the world he lived in. Another thing that made him feel that way was Tony. He would talk on and on, the things Steve never understood yet he felt like he belonged to somewhere. He would talk mechanics, and Steve would listen to him without being bored, he would have a chance to study Tony’s features while he was talking without appearing to be a ‘creep’ as Tony thought him , then he would draw him later.

It was almost eight now, he should go to the Tower to prepare breakfast. He often did that, since his friends were too occupied to prepare their meal, and he liked to make sure they ate. They were all easy to handle actually, they would basically jump to the food when it was ready but of course that was not the case with Tony. He would sleep till the evening or he wouldn’t sleep at all, his hours were all mixed up. But he would never be there for the breakfast; if he wasn’t sleeping he would be in his workshop. As Steve got into the elevator, he was greeted with the familiar voice of Jarvis.

_“Morning, Captain.”_

“Hi, Jarvis. How are you?” As soon he asked, he realized that was a stupid question to ask a robot. _He’s not a robot, he is an artificial intelligence._ The Tony in his head informed him.

His question was followed by a silent moment before the AI replied. _“I am quite fine, thank you Captain.”_ Steve simply smiled.

“Um, Jarvis, Can I ask a question?”

_“Mr. Stark appears to be in the kitchen, preparing pancakes.”_

“How did you-nevermind.”

Pancakes? Kitchen? That was not a very Tony behavior.  He didn’t even eat breakfast and now he was making it?

He slowly got into the kitchen, saw Tony from behind. He was actually making pancakes. And he was humming “Wavin’ Flag” which Steve had learned from a soda commercial. He was swinging his hips, which made Steve look away to avoid any embarrassing moments. He coughed.

Tony jumped and turned around. “Oh, hey that’s the second time you’re doing this. Jesus Steve, I have a heart condition.” He tapped on the arc reactor on his chest.

“I’m sorry.Um- what are you doing?”

“Bacon pancakes, makin’ Bacon pancakes, take some bacon and I’ll put in a pan-” he stopped singing and sighed. “You probably haven’t seen Adventure Time.”

Steve wondered why Tony was acting like Steve didn’t told him hours ago that he loved him. He understood that Tony didn’t believe him but he would have expected a different reaction. Like, locking himself up in his workshop for three days straight. Not to treat him normally, well Tony making pancakes wasn’t normal but whatever, and looking happy.

“Hey Jarv, tell everyone that breakfast is ready and wake them up.”

_“Mr. Barton is in the shower, Ms. Romanoff has just returned from her latest mission and she appears to have some broken ribs, Mr. Thor insist that the “Odinson shall not be disturbed in his sleep” but he is now heading to kitchen since I have informed him on pancakes. Mr. Bruce has just left the lab.”_

“Anthony! You have made this for us?” Thor boomed, hugging Tony, maybe breaking a few ribs while doing it.

“Uh-yeah. Thanks.” Tony grimaced.

“I’m not eating that. I’m sure Stark is trying to poison us or something and have the Tower all to himself.” Clint entered the kitchen, hair still wet and a very grumpy Coulson behind him who also had his hair wet. Well, obvious. Natasha appeared behind them, trying not to show the pain but they did not call her on it since they knew she would not be really pleased with that. And you would not like her when she was not pleased.

Bruce was the last to sit on the table besides Tony who was still making pancakes, Bruce yawned and sleepily took his seat. He didn’t seem to notice that something was out of the ordinary.  Steve was grateful for that. He knew Tony would freak out if people kept paying attention to him, he hated that and it would drive him away. Steve was glad Bruce knew Tony as much as Steve did.

That day went similar to the morning and if the Avengers found it odd, they didn’t say anything because they were more than happy when Tony spent the day with them, never once going down to his lab and not even once mentioning to be busy and having no time. He looked happy, and he talked with them, not in his usual babbling but actually talked to them. He watched movies with them and ate with them. Steve did not know what was different and if it was a way of Tony to somehow accept his feelings. If he would only talk to him in private. Steve noticed Tony avoiding to be alone with him and talking to him like nothing happened.  “Hey, Capsicle” he would say “What’s with the sulking, Steve?” he would ask casually and he would never show a sign that said he had heard what Steve said.

“No, that is not a ‘useless tiny button’, it actually makes you electrify your arrows, Hunger Games.” Tony said as he showed his latest prototype of Clint’s arrows.

“Yeah whatever, I call it bullshit.” Clint took the arrow, trying to hide his excited and satisfied face from Tony and leaving the room.

Tony smiled fondly. Steve took the chance and approached him.

“Hey, Tony, can we talk?”

“About what, Capsicle? Please don’t tell me you want to watch Sherlock Holmes again. That movie gives me chills.”

“I really like it! The guy who plays Sherlock looks exactly like you.” Steve smirked.

Tony just smiled at that. “So I have this project I need to-” Tony made a move towards the door and Steve got him by the arm before he could get away.

“Tony.”

“Steve.”

“I don’t understand why you are behaving like this.”

“Like what?” Tony frowned.

“Like…unusual. Not like you. Not that I don’t like it, you spent time with us without complaining and you were happy or you looked happy. I just- “Steve couldn’t find the words. “Fuck it,” he said, shaking his head. “I love you. You heard that, right? Or were you drunk and you don’t remember? Or you just don’t accept my feelings? Why do you act like I haven’t said what I said?”

Tony was looking at him with an unreadable expression. It wasn’t disgust, no but it wasn’t exactly a shocked expression either. “I heard it.”

“Oh.” Steve flinched at Tony’s tone.

“Steve- it’s not like that. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe it because I- I knew I would ruin you. Just like I ruined Pepper. Just like I ruined my parents.”

“That’s not true and you must know that, Tony.”

“Yeah but it is. I know it, Steve because I ruin myself too and you know what? You’re the only thing that keeps me from wanting to do that. You are the most important person to me and you make me want to be better but I know I am too deep in shit to do that.”

Steve looked at Tony as honestly as possible; wondering how could the most perfect human being he has known on the face of earth see himself like that. He wanted to find everyone and everything that made him feel that way and make them pay for it.

“You can’t fix me, Steve. I am too fucked for saving.” Tony looked down, tapping on his arc reactor.

“I don’t want to fix you. I would never try to fix you. I have fallen in love with this Tony, and I will do everything in my power to convince him that he deserves my love and everything good on this world.” Steve said, shoulders up, confident and firm.

“I’ll ruin you.”

“You could never.”

“I’m a mess.”

“You’re a hot one.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Dammit, Steve, you can’t seriously want this.” Tony sighed.

“I do. Do you?” Steve asked.

“It would be really easy if I didn’t.”

“It will never be easy, but when did we ever like easy?” Steve said, leaning in to kiss Tony.


	2. Notes

Hey guys, I'd really appreciate it if you commented! And also, I take requests so if you have a fic idea, let me know in the comments section! Thanks xx


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